A mother's SELF love
I could hear my mother's voice playing inside my head over and over again. "You are never satisfied with life; you always want more, why can't you just be happy and grateful for what you have and call it a day?"
Repeated so many times throughout my life that now in my thirties I found myself in a new state, with a new career, and in a marriage that I could not recognize as my own.
Was my mother right? "Here we go again Jasmine," I told myself.
But now the stakes are higher; it's no longer just me. I have a family now, a son to consider. Am I really just this person who is never satisfied with life? Am I really not meant to be entirely happy? Are my needs just too much?
If anyone can make a marriage work, it's me I thought. I am no stranger to hard work, and I've never failed at anything that I really wanted. (disclaimer: this does not mean I haven't failed, it just means that I find a way if my heart is set for it)
Family? Marriage? Oh, I got this...
But it's funny how life plays out. I needed to leave everything and everyone behind to finally settle into myself and see without all the bells and whistles that my life in NYC brought what kind of life I was leading.
I came here to San Diego believing that this is where I needed to be to fully embody the kind of work and healing I wanted to guide others to do.
There was one problem with that plan. Even though I had all the credentials to be a coach and I went back to school and learned so many nuggets of wisdom I still wasn't feeling connected to my work.
I started to work with some amazing healers to figure out what the root cause was. I knew, and I felt that something needed to be released but wasn't sure what it was.
I was told that I needed to go down the rabbit hole of my life, to start where it all began.
And just like Alice in the story Alice in Wonderland a bit apprehensive but down the deep and dark unknown I went.
I was met with many warning signs along the way saying once you start on this path you can't ever go back, you can't ask to get off the ride, you can't quit, relationships will die off, what you have known to be your truth and your life will be turned upside down. All of a sudden the puzzle of your life will start piecing together. It will all make sense, and soon the dark tunnel will lead you to your salvation. It will lead you back to who you really are. See all my life I have been in a fight or flight mode. That is how I survived all these years, but this is not who I am. This is who I needed to become to feel safe and survive abuse and trauma.
And so further and further down the rabbit hole I went slowly picking up the different parts of me that I had subconsciously hid far away.
The abused child
The abandoned little girl
The angry girl who felt it was her against the world
The girl who loved and lost
I needed to sit with the loneliness and the pain and the hurt of having parents who didn't know how to give unconditional love to themselves or their children.
It has truly been an overwhelming yet so liberating experience.
And as I slowly started to see the light at the end of my tunnel, I knew in my heart that my marriage was over. The more whole I became, the more disconnected we became, and soon it was like looking into the eyes of a stranger.
Now there were many days after that I would pray to be different or to be ok with my marriage. The last thing I wanted to do was inflict pain upon my family. My son is my world, and I would do anything for him. But my soul was restless, and I found myself becoming smaller and smaller to make the day to day more tolerable.
For some reason, at the time this was happening all of my clients were exactly in the same boat. Women wanting to leave their marriages but the fear of what that means for their families was holding them back. Coincidence?. I think not.
Day after day I found myself coaching these mothers. Divorce no matter how you slice it is messy and sad. There is trauma that is left behind that needs to be addressed and healed. It's terrifying as a woman to feel alone in this world especially with such precious cargo looking at you for protection.
I knew that I was being faced with a reflection of my predicament in my clients.
I knew the time had finally come for me to be free and finally do what would become the biggest act of self-love I have ever done. The freedom to walk away from a relationship that was not serving me and that was toxic.
I know my part in this, I am not playing the victim. I understand why we needed to come together as a family and why our relationship was the way it was. But I also know that I've learned the lessons I needed to learn.
I understand that what I need is what I need and if you have to defend or explain or deny yourself of those key components then how is that unconditional love?
I now know that my mother was wrong. I am grateful every day of my life and where I am today, but I also have a warrior spirit and hunger for life that needs to be fueled.
To my mother's out there who find themselves in a similar situation, this is for you. You are not alone, and I understand the fear and consequences that your actions will have.
But once the dust settles believe in the message you are sending your children. That unconditional love does exist and its ok to make mistakes that is part of the unconditional love you need to have for yourself. Ladies, we CAN have it all we just need to know we deserve to have it all and it first must start within ourselves.