Healing your Inner Child
Some people think you need to travel the world to find yourself but ironically for me, I had to go to the one place that was all too familiar. I had to go back to my childhood home. Back to the beginning of it all.
A home where my childhood was taken from me. A place that felt more like a prison than a home for me. A place where I dreamed of leaving and never returning.
I knew this trip would be one of deep and profound healing. All my work has been leading up to this moment. I was finally ready to embrace my darkness.
Born to 2 hardworking immigrants who left Colombia for a better life.
My sister and I lived in a toxic and abusive household for years.
By the time my youngest sister was born the abuse was nonexistent but the toxicity still remained.
The damage had already been committed. The oldest endured over 14 years and I over 7 years of abuse.
I was a child riddled with anxiety. Everything was all too much for me and at age 15 began numbing myself with drugs and alcohol.
School had been an escape for me; a place I knew to be safe but once I entered high school man I wasn't prepared for all the judgment and mean girl episodes I had to experience.
So whilst I did eventually end up finishing school, I dropped out at age 16 and started working full time. I felt like I couldn't relate to kids my age. While most girls were talking about prom and what type of car their parents were going to buy them I was working and saving money to move out of my house and hitting the clubs dancing the night away and doing drugs as a form of therapy.
At age 16 you could add gun violence victim to my story and a long journey of choosing abusive relationships, friendships, and substance abuse.
Fast forward to my twenties, where I was fueled by proving people wrong. All that rage I had bottled up I used to make a wonderful life for myself in NYC.
I had blocked out my entire childhood. I would look at pictures and not remember a thing. My sisters would recall memories I couldn't remember. I never really went back to visit. I told my family the door would always be open to visit me in NY but that I didn't have time to go back to the island.
I tried to avoid going back. Those times where I absolutely needed to go, I ensured my stay was kept down to an absolute minimum because I would find myself with such rage from the moment I stepped into the house, that I could only tolerate it for a certain amount of time.
I ran away, created a new life for myself in NYC. Created the life I knew I deserved. A life so many women were envious of but there was one MAJOR flaw in this plan that I wouldn't come to understand until my son was born.
11/11/13- That day years ago will forever be ingrained in my heart. That was the day for the first time in over 30 years where I felt what unconditional soulful love really was about. It was so blissful for me to finally be a mother but then the flashbacks started.
Certain things would trigger me and I would see flashbacks. Flashbacks of memories I never wanted to see played out again.
Why were these memories showing up now? I am not that little scared girl anymore.
I am a grown ass woman, a badass woman, a woman who manifested and worked her ass of for this life she was living now but then why was my past coming up?
I see the errors of my ways, there was a HUGE disconnect with "little" Jasmine and the now "adult" Jasmine. There was a pain so deep that needed to be healed, a little girl who needed to hear words like
"I'm sorry and I love you"
"You did nothing wrong"
"Love was and is not supposed to be like this"
"Yes it really did happen"
"It's ok to cry".....
I needed to sit with my pain in that house.
I needed to finally face it. The little girl inside of me who felt and saw all this pain needed to know I was finally ready to come home and make that pain mine again. We are one; there is no one without the other.
So this past week I returned home understanding that I was finally ready to allow all parts of me to surface. I sat there sitting on the floor of my bedroom as I did so many times before when I was younger. I started rocking myself, I remember this was how I use to soothe myself as a child and before you know it the floodgates opened and I was crying and shaking. My entire body was riddled with anxiety. I couldn't stop shaking. Usually, this is about the time I would pick a fight with someone in the house and just leave but tonight I forced myself to feel it all. It was 24 hours of nonstop shaking, of dry heaving, of vomiting. I was purging it out and it was awful. I felt like I was going to die.
I sat with it until it finally stopped. Until my body finally relaxed. I felt a sense of overall calmness and understood that running from it only made it worse. Every action and decision up until that point was a direct result of my childhood experience.
See this was my beginning but this is not my ending.
THE LIGHT IN ME HONORS AND SEE'S THE LIGHT WITHIN MY FAMILY AND THE DARKNESS IN ME FINALLY SEE'S AND HONORS THE DARKNESS WITHIN THEM.
Don't be fooled you can't have one without the other.
We all deserve to be healed, we all deserved to be loved unconditionally and we all deserve inner peace. You just have to be willing to say I love myself enough to fight for it.
I am walking away whole and more myself than ever before.
I am finally free and not afraid to show the world my battle scars for this does not define me and who I am. Nor does it define my family and who they are.
My parents were once children looking to be loved, looking to feel safe. I know this was their norm and what was taught and what they experienced in their childhood. I have always seen that pain in their eyes.
They knew no other way.
But I do and I will be the one to break the cycle.